Monday, January 24, 2005

 

In Which the Bed Blog Continues...

Oh, I've been better.

After my last post, I fell asleep and had the oddest dreams. I've had a few lately: one about walking the dog at night and defending myself from muggers by hurling bags of crap at them; one about rowing a boat to work, and the boat's not in the water. No, it's in the breakdown lane and cars are whizzing by while I'm rowing like a mad bastard.

These dreams weren't as detailed, more an incoherent jumble of moments. My mom was bringing me my favorite sick food: chicken broth and buttered toast cut diagonally. Peter Pan was after me because I'd called Tinker Bell a bitch. I was at a party where the only appetizers were brown lunch bags covered in chocolate. My 3-year-old daughter was announcing in an off-hand way that she just took the dog for a walk by herself.

And that's when I shot awake like someone had set the bed on fire. Looked around. There's my daughter, sitting in the bed, watching a cartoon. Whew.

...

I can't help myself. "Honey, did you just say something?"

She doesn't take her eyes off Bugs Bunny. "I just took Blazey Bellow for a walk. All by myself."

Heart's beating in my ears now. "What-what do you mean?" I ask weakly.

Eyes still on the TV, she says, "I opened the door all by myself and he went out for a walk."

"You didn't really go out, did you, honey?"

"No. But Blazey did."

So, I'm not going to jail for snoozing while an unsupervised child went out for a stroll, but apparently I AM about to go out in the ass-numbing, sub-zero blizzard-condition cold to look for my dog.

After some quick and perfunctory retching in the bathroom, I go looking through the house. No dog. Front door, unlocked and sort of closed. Look out. Call. Whistle. Hear sound of some kind of disturbance, somewhere behind me. Go look out back window and there's the dog. He's not alone. In fact, he's staring at another unleashed dog across the street. I blink my eyes. Is it the Mean Dog from my earlier entry? Since their first encounter, they have crossed swords many times. They are not fighting, but there's some serious posturing going on, and that emphatic barking dogs do when they're pissed off.

I've always wondered what dogs say to each other in these kinds of exchanges. Probably something like this:

Blazey: So, Mean Dog, my old enemy. We meet again.

Mean Dog: Ho! Can this be? The brave and valiant Blazey Bellow Hoska Boo Boo Ba Doo without his Man to protect him? Surely the gods of battle have smiled on me this day!

Blazey: You are not worthy to speak the sacred name which the Girl herself has given me, foul spawn of a lesser breed.

Mean Dog: Ah, the Girl. Long have I desired to gnaw her bones. And so it shall be!

Blazey: I say thee nay! Come no farther. For I have in my possession a can which contains pure, unadulterated whup-ass. And here is the opener! (cocks leg)

Of course, I'm just paraphrasing here. And maybe it wasn't the Mean Dog at all. But I opened the back door and shook a box of Milk Bones and he came back in.

...

It's a day later and now I have chills, and feel like someone has swabbed my entire digestive system with rubbing alcohol. My wife brought me broth and toast (cut square, though. Diagonally is better. Don't tell her I told you). Truly, she's the best wife I've got. Although in this instance, I'm sure she did it to put an end to the incessant whining and moaning about how lousy I feel, and how no one has ever felt this sick, and how other men would be dead by now.

Yes, yes, I'm sure there are lots of guys who say this, but in my case, it's true.

And I'm sure there are lots of guys who say it's only true in their case, but in this here instance we're talking about--being me being sick like no one else has ever been before--it absolutely really is true.

Ugh. Even I can't stand myself, and that's saying something.

Sorry this wasn't a very amusing post. I'd be funnier if I didn't feel so funny.

Yours,
From Somewhere On The Deathbed

Comments:
Dog speak was great, I like how your neighborhood, has that modern Shakespear inflections in the pet world. That is good stuff.
 
I thought it was quite funny. You want vivid outrageous dreams - try using the nicotine patch! I had a few doosies when I was trying to quit smoking.

Dogspeak was the nail on the head! What a hoot.

Poor poor baby. Don't forget the gingerale, don't want you getting all dehydrated. Having the flu sucks, I hope you feel better soon.

Sharfa
 
Hey Masthead Man

I love you too, hon. But next year, I'm flying out to the god-riddled middle of the country to drive back to the reunion with you and your mates. Loved the road trip stuff! Love it all!

Especially you.

D
 
Hey, I was searching blogs, and came onto yours, and I like it. I kinda landed here on accident while searching for something esle, but nice blog.. I got you bookmarked.

If you got time , go visit my site, it´s about herbal nicotine patches. It pretty much covers herbal nicotine patches and other similar topics available.
 
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