Sunday, June 05, 2005


In Which It Comes to A Head...


Canine protector tries to warn oblivious owner, takes matters into own paws, breaks screen door in heroic rescue effort. WORLD EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS!!!

SOMEWHERE, June 5, 2005--Residents of a quiet suburban neighborhood here rejoiced early this morning as the reign of terror brought on by a marauding blackbird came to a swift and bloody conclusion when a local dog, responding to cries for help from his 4-year-old owner, attacked the menacing bird and bit its fucking head off.

For the past 48 hours, neighbors in this sleepy community have been warning one another--and watching the skies warily--as a large unidentified blackbird repeatedly attacked several people by diving on them and pecking them.

"He just came out of nowhere," said MM, 37, local resident. MM was one of three people attacked by the bird yesterday as he strolled in his backyard. Later, his wife was also chased by the bird, and so was a 14-year-old neighbor, who reportedly was pecked in the face. Witnesses say the bird was after the girl's large, bejeweled nose ring.

According to the nature blogger Rurality, known in some circles as "the Animal Planet Lady," blackbirds may attack people and other animals if they have a nest nearby which they feel is being threatened. Others say the birds may be drawn to bright or shiny objects, such as glasses, nose rings and bald spots. However, it's not yet clear why the bird chose to attack The Brownie, age 4, and daughter of MM. What is clear is that it was the bird's final assault.

Officials say that early Sunday morning, while her mother was showering and MM, her father, was lying around on his dead ass, trying to get his PDA to work, The Brownie let herself outside, defying a parental decree to stay indoors.

"My foxes were still in the fort," the Brownie said, explaining her reason for braving the back yard, where the bird was known to attack. Apparently distraught over several plastic toys in the shapes of foxes, which she had left in a sandbox underneath the back-yard playfort, The Brownie attempted to retrieve her beloved toys, but quickly found herself targeted by the blackbird.

Witnesses say the bird dove straight at the sweet angel child of light's head, startling her and forcing her to take cover in the sandbox, where she began screaming for help.

Blaze, the family dog, responded instantly. According to the Brownie's brother, who was trying to watch TV at the time, Blaze began "barking his head off" then raced upstairs to warn MM of the danger his daughter faced.

Come on already!DSC00066

"I thought he was just excited about rabbits or something," said MM, who added that Blaze regularly barks at passersby, rabbits, birds, and even trash cans and motes of dust. Blaze's barking and jumping were so frantic, MM admitted he thought the desperate dog was "pretty damn funny." At one point, MM even used the camera feature on his to PDA to take several photos of the dog, as Blaze jumped on the bed in an effort to roll MM's dead ass onto the floor.


It was only after Blaze's barking became increasingly urgent that MM finally got a fricking clue. "And then I heard the Brownie crying from outside and realized what had happened," said MM sheepishly.

Although recuperating from a recent back procedure, MM ran to the back door, where he saw his daughter cowering under the playfort while the menacing bird sat perched atop the swing-set. MM ran outside to save his daughter. "I closed the sliding screen door behind me," he recalled. "I didn't want the dog to get loose. He was pretty upset."

As MM approached the playfort, the menacing blackbird swooped directly at him, causing MM to dive into the grass. Seeing her father being attacked caused the Brownie to scream again.

Witnesses say it was this scream which pushed Blaze over the edge. With a running leap, the 50-pound dog jumped through the sliding door, tearing the screen out and derailing the door (he is pictured here, surveying the damage after the incident).

Straining himself

"He was just barking and jumping around in the middle of the yard. The bird switched targets and went straight for him," says a next-door neighbor, who refused to give her name. The heroic dog provided enough of a distraction that MM was able to carry his daughter to the safety of the house. The Brownie was shaken but otherwise completely unharmed. She begged her father to go back out "and save Blazey," but by the time MM had returned outside--this time brandishing a Hello Kitty umbrella and a Wiffle Bat--it was all over.

The neighbor saw what happened next. "The dog sat up--just like he was begging, you know--and when the bird dived at him again, Blaze caught it in mid-air."

With one snap of his jaws, the hero dog decapitated the bird.

"It was fuckin' awesome!" claimed the neighbor's 17-year-old son, who watched as Blaze proceeded to roll in traditional dog fashion on top of the headless body.

"I missed the actual moment," said MM, who arrived on the scene a second later. "But when [Blaze] got up from rolling around, I saw this pile of feathers. Oh yeah, and the head. That was pretty gross."

Neighbors from the surrounding houses converged on the yard to view the headless blackbird and also to praise the hero dog.

"He's the world's goodest doggie ever!" claimed Brownie, who emerged from her house to hug her savior. Both Brownie and Blaze were scheduled for baths immediately.

"I can't believe it," claimed MM, who was still holding the umbrella and Whiffle Bat. "I mean, this is an overweight dog who can barely leap, who doesn't even have the eye-jaw coordination to catch a dog biscuit when it's thrown in the air. I can't believe he caught that bird in mid-flight."

But the evidence, now covered with flies, still sits in the backyard, where it has been visited by curious neighbors throughout the morning. "I guess someone's gonna have to go pick it up," said MM, who began complaining that his back was really bothering him. Officials at the Magazine Mansion insist that MM will dispose of the bird carcass before the end of the day, otherwise spouse-related sanctions may be imposed.

The Watch Dog

"The hardest part about all this," said MM, looking at Blaze, who was now staring watchfully out the back window, "is that I'm going to have to blog about this. I mean, how can I not? But do I post pictures of the dead bird? I mean, it's kind of disgusting."

MM also confessed to feeling "a little bad" about the fate of the bird. "I know it was terrorizing my little girl and Blaze was just responding because he's so protective of her but, well, if it was really protecting a nest, then my dog has made orphans out of some little birds. I guess I'll have to check around to see if I can find a nest. You don't usually find yourself hoping a bird just went nuts and started attacking people for no reason, but I kind of am," he said.

"If nothing else, I guess we've learned one important lesson," MM continued. "Which is that when your dog bursts into your bedroom looking like this--"

Wild yawp

"--you probably shouldn't laugh and take pictures."


insane things never stop happening to you. i still can't get over how you put that guy in the trunk though. that's my favorite. i like to tell that story almost as if it were my own. i like to say, "i know of this guy who liked this girl so much he put his competition in the TRUNK OF A CAR."

... and now he has a freak-bird killing dog.

Never underestimate the power of a dog protecting it's pack. He did tell the alpha male first, but took matters into his own hands when he saw said alpha male being threatened.

So much for a relaxing Sunday at the Magazine Mansion. I think things keep happening to you because someone upstairs enjoys your writing as much as us mere mortals. Loved the format!

By the way...........nice legs. ;)
My guts hurt from laughing!

I was laughing my fool head off reading this...and doubled right over at:

"I can't believe it," claimed MM, who was still holding the umbrella and Whiffle Bat..."

Sheer genius. Like Sharfa said, awesome format!
I totally agree with sharfa on this, GOD has it for him.

The simplest reason is because he can and will make the best effort to tell the tale with his own witty form that even GOD cannot get enough of. Let alone us mere mortals.

And its not that insane, just more interesting.

I am happy my life is not that wild. Pun intended.
I linked to your site from one of your comments on Rurality's site. I'm glad I did! Thanks for the laugh.

Perhaps you should invest in some hard hats for the family, just in case another bird decides to nest nearby...
It's totally unfair how cool your life is.

My dog cowers when a car goes by. The only thing he ever alerts us to is when he has wedged one of his treats into an inaccessible place. In the face of true danger, the only thing I'd trust him to do is show us, with blinding speed, the nearest exit.
I really need to stop checking your blog while I'm at work - I'm running out of excuses to "explain" my fits of laughter. There are only so many times your boss will fall for the "typos can be so funny" line.
Hilarious! But I guess I'm gonna be the only one who wants to see pictures of the dead bird too... :)

Well, I need to be able to tell you which kind of black bird, right? Red wing, Brewer's, Rusty, or maybe really a Grackle, or Cowbird, or Starling or...

Email me the pics if you think the public's not ready for it!
Another good funny! I have Purple Finches nesting in ferns on the front porch that never miss an opportunity to scare the crap out of me.

Sorry to hear about your back. Have you ever read The Bad Back Book? There are some great exercises that keep me walking and mostly pain free.
Unbelievable and thank you for sharing! I was on the net searching for solutions to these diving birds in the backyard because today one pecked the back of my 100 lb. Bella. Unfortunately, Bella, the she-hunter, killed one of the baby birds last week so now the annoying blackbirds have become aggressive when we are out back.

The amazing part to your story is that when reading it I recalled the last dream I had this morning. Actually the dream woke me up. It was Bella catching a bird in mid-air as it flew by!

Maybe my solution has been found. Thank you again for sharing!
In all seriousness - I have been sobbing my eyes out over Blaze ever since I found your blog (approximately 37 minutes ago).

He sounds like the best dog ever. And he sounds like he's found owners worthy of his goodness.

Yay Blaze!
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