Thursday, January 19, 2006


In Which Someone Lets Slip the Dog Shit of War...

So, this is interesting:

Went out the door this morning to put the trash on the curb and found this on my welcome mat.


Blaze thinks: I KNOW that's not one of mine.

I went to bed around 12 last night, so some time between midnight and 5:30, when Thomas woke everyone up, my crazy neighbors drove up, one of them jumped out, made the drop, jumped back in and off they took.

We are now officially the victims of a drive-by shitting.

I confess, my first thought was, Boy, good thing I didn't send that letter from yesterday. Because, you know, that might have escalated things.

My second thought was Of course you know dis means war! Which I believe comes from Sun-tzu. Or Bugs Bunny. I always get them mixed up.

There was no note with the bag, just the bag. And of course its contents: a single, spectacular torpedo of frozen dogshit. I'm not kidding; this thing was huge. It was no bullet from your average .45 caliber canine rectum. This was a freakin' Howitzer shell. You don't need to be a ballistics expert to realize this didn't come from my dog. In fact, it was so enormous, I'm not sure it could have come out of my brother, and that's saying something.

(My personal suspicion is that this was the product of the large Great Dane-type dog that lives up the block from the corner of Boardwalk and Park Place, where the Belfrys live. Of course, I have no desire to confirm this. My interest in proving my suspicions goes only so far.)

It caused quite a stir at the Magazine Mansion. Thomas decided to play police sketch artist and secured a description of the Crazy Lady from his sister (you can see the result here). Her Lovely Self was no help in offering details for the sketch. In fact, she was so incensed, she couldn't decide which course of action to pursue, although at one point she wanted me to go over to their house with a fresh bag my own dog's crap and make a side-by-side comparison for them. Then she got mad at ME for not being as upset as she was.

"What are you smiling about, anyway? You don't know what it's like to be targeted and yelled at by this woman. It's not MY fault she has dog crap in her yard. YOU'RE the one she should be talking to. That'd wipe the smirk off your face!" she cried.

This is an old complaint of my wife's. She feels that I don't take things seriously enough, that the graver the circumstances, the more I turn into a grinning wise-ass. Which is true. But sometimes I think I'm justified.

I mean, can YOU think of any reason I might be smiling?


Maybe this will make it a little clearer.

Sun-tzu--or Bugs Bunny--also said: The general who wins a battle makes many calculations in his temple ere the battle is fought.

Ever since this crazy lady stormed into our life last week, I have been making calculations like a CPA at tax time. I just haven't talked about it very much.

But now, it's time to tell you everything.

Now, it's time to go to war...

Oh, hell yes.
I wish i was in the neighborhood to see how this all unfolds...
Outstanding!! And, again, bravo for the ... as they make the stories that much more enjoyable. As Jerry said to Rod, "You're my motherfucker!"
Welcome to America's Funniest Home Indictments.

I'm Bob Saget.
Oh, MAN. I'm so glad I've never crossed MM.

PLEASE make a police report for harassment first!! Get it on record before you do anything! Okay?

wow! It's like you are an episode of Lost with hidden clues everywhere!

Mrs Belfrey is sooooo busted. I would love to see that video travel to the police. You've got proof. She's just got bats (in her...).

Way to go. Keep us posted.

Still can't believe this stuff happens to you. But as an avid read of this here blog, I am sorta glad it does

but not too glad.

HA! I admit I required the extra hint to see the device, but I'm stil smart enough to know I do not want to cross you. Ever.

Sic 'em!
Turn your speakers on and then click on this link.
Bwahahahahaha! The games have begun! Get 'em!

So, have any of your neighbors gone through something similar? I find it hard to believe if they haven't. My own experience with, what was your phrase? bat-shit wingnuts? (I'm SO stealing that!) is that they've probably gone from neighbor to neighbor with feuds, escalating along the way, until it was your turn.

If this is the case, maybe an en masse reporting? Or, if you have a home owner's association, maybe you can pass enough temporary nuisance laws to drive them out?

Well, I'm sure you'll come up with something diabolically fun to read! And so I wait for the next segment...
Wow, Mrs. Belfry is really batty. She cannot begin to know what sweet revenge awaits her.

Shot down in a Blaze of glory! You can hear it now.
Leave it to me, as usual, to raise the most disturbing possibility, but given how crazy this woman has proved herself thus far, the question must be asked:

Are you sure that it's a dog turd in the bag?
I've been watching these events unfold with giggles and horror. Who (but for the very Batty) would stoop to such levels? It would make me want to stoop back in a vaseline-on-the-door-handles and tacks-under-the-tires sort of way. Bravo for still being a grown-up.
Ha! I am reading The Art of War right now.


Anyway, be sure to make your victory swift:

"There is no instance of a country having benefited from prolonged warfare." (II.6)
Yabba Dabba Freakin DOO!

You're going to post a video of the, um, delivery, right? RIGHT?

This is better than...OK, I'll just say it: It's better than LOST. Only because it's real life, and we have the pleasure of front row seats to payback many dream of, but few experience.

On behalf of all those that have been harrassed by "Psychos 'R' Us", I bow to your greatness.

I'm with Jack. Are you sure it's a doggie turd?
Gosh, I was wondering where I left that bag.
Haha So, she hates poop so she freezes and bags it for you? What a loon.

Let's see that video!
Being "blessed" with our own version of the Belfry family who live behind us, and who have worked diligently to separate me from my few remaining marbles, I can only say...

... I can't wait. Bring it on...
Your restraint thus far is amazing. I hope you get her good. Can't wait to read the update. (I agree with others though, I think it's time to make an official police report on this woman.)
I can't believe she had the audactiy to do that! I can't wait to see how this all unfolds.

Hey, I have a neighbor who cut down a tree last summer and it fell right into my fence, there is a big dip in it now and he has not fixed it. Are you available for hire?
I had a crazy neighbour who insisted that some man with a deep voice in our unit was screaming obscenities at her on an almost daily basis. When my husband pointed out that this confrontation was the only time he had ever spoken to her, she said, "no, not you, that other guy. I know you go to work, but I'm going to call the cops on that other guy if he doesn't stop it." To which my husband replied, "what other guy?" "You'll have to ask your wife," she said cryptically.

Let's just say, dog shit on the lawn is nothing to the havoc created by MY psycho neighbour.

That said, Way ta Be, MM, get her!
HAHA!! Go get her MM!! But I agree you shoudl file a grievance with the police on harrassment with her about the time she nearly hit HLS and The Brownie earlier in the week.

But the camera? Absolute genius! My god, I nearly DIED laughing when I realized what it was! At first I thought it was slung dog poop at your house!

Oh and DO share the video with us!! I am dying to see what the crazy dingbatty bi-ach looks like.
PLEASE promise you'll post the video....

I can hardly wait until the next entry about this saga!
YESSSSS!!!! Security cameras rock. Can you transfer the footage to your blog so we can see who it is?
I can't beleive anyone would do such a thing...

Can't wait to hear the next segment...
ROFL! If I didn't know you better, I'd assume that you made all this up just so you could use the phrase "let slip the dog s**t of war"! A smelly foul deed indeed.

I assume that the photo shows the expression that Thomas was talking about...

Nice beard progress, by the way!
I love it -- I really want them to leave more shit on your doorstep (a phrase I will probably only get to use once) -- so that you can video them's just going to be great.
Oh- Oh my God. In the words of Chester... "SWEEEET!" I guess revenge isn't the only thing best served cold. Apparently, shit is as well.
Well, you're a smart guy so I'm sure you'll cya with the cops. I'm glad the tide is turning in your favor. I just hope it resolves soon for HLS's sake.
ohhh yeah! lmao...
I'm away from the net and the come back to find you have a crazy woman confronting HLS! I'm shocked! I say you go with that camera my man! I can't wait to see what happens next!
I tend to be extremely militant in my methods of revenge, especially where crap is concerned.

Method 1:

treb·u·chet (trby-sht) - n.

A medieval catapult for hurling heavy stones.

Place one (1) bag of Blaze feces into a sturdy paper bag and then soak bag in kerosene.

After soaking bag in kerosene, place in sling of said trebuchet and ignite.

Pull firing lever. Film. Enjoy.

Method 2 (the simple plan):

Wearing suitable hand protection, pick up one new Blaze turd and secure under car door handle of evil neighbor. Film. Enjoy.

Method 3 (if you REALLY like arson):

Crumble styrofoam packing peanuts into gasoline in an empty Folgers/Maxwell House coffee can until mixture is thick and caustic. Pour on neighbor's vehicle. Light. Film. Enjoy. Call good attorney.

That said, I really cannot wait to see what happens. However, whatever happens, I have to see. If I don't see, I might die.
The camera? That's pure genius right there. Please post all for our delight and amusement. All I have in my neighborhood right now are some jackasses that go by my house all hours of the day and night at light speed on their noisy-ass kawasaki motocross-y bikes at least 15 times in a row.

Trust me, this is much funnier and much more satisfying. VIDEO of the SHIT DROP.

And I agree... the real question is.. is that DOG shit??? *raises eyebrow*
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