Wednesday, January 31, 2007

 

In Which He Has A Bone to Pick...



MEMO


TO: Staff

FR: Blazey Bellow Hoska Boo Boo Ba Doo

RE: Implementing New Policies for Calendar Year '07


Yes, let us all raise a bowl to the new year. And let us hope 2007 will be filled with joy and wonder and all those other meaningless platitudes that people use to Vaseline these memos.

Right. To the point.

Over the past year, I took note of specific concerns and issues I should now like to address with you, my house staff. Some are minor and should require little change on your part, but some issues may be considerable indeed and in such cases I would be only too happy to render whatever assistance I can to ensure that these issues are resolved quickly, amicably and, most importantly, to my way of thinking.



1. Walking Etiquette

This issue mostly affects The Man, whose primary job function (so far as I have been able to tell) is to accompany me on my daily tours of The Territory. We have of course discussed his continuing need for The Leash and while I find it inhibiting, I appreciate that The Man requires the security of this connection to my person in order to feel safe while out in the world. So in the interest of compromise, I am willing to tolerate The Leash for yet another year. In return, however, I should be very glad indeed if The Man could adhere to the following:

--A significant part of touring the Territory involves taking frequent and random samplings of both ground and air. What you refer to as "sniffing" is in fact a delicate scientific process that allows me to detect minute changes in the environment, volatile organic compounds that could indicate a dangerous presence in the Territory, and rabbit droppings, which are considered a delicacy among my kind. Please refrain from tugging on The Leash when you feel my time engaged in such sampling exercises has exceeded your meager endurance. The process takes as long as it takes. If you lack the patience to permit me to acquire proper samplings, you may drag your knuckles back to the house at any time.

--When I am engaged in my morning, afternoon or evening toilet, I would appreciate it very much if you would refrain from your stupid apelike chittering at me. This is a moment of supreme concentration and that concentration is not helped by attempts at sophomoric humor, such as wondering aloud if I got my degree from P.U.; asking me if I would like a magazine; or imitating the involuntary grunting sounds I am compelled to make because of the low-fiber dog food you force me to eat. This is a private moment that I am forced to endure publicly, and with a great deal of technical difficulty, especially this time of year, and I don't require further complications. I ask: How well would you fare if you were forced to move your bowels on a street corner, in the nude, with your hind end mere inches from a field of frigid ice, a sub-zero wind wafting through your nether regions, while some orangutan in a parka tugs at a rope around your neck and insists on calling you "Nugget Boy"?

--Also, when you retrieve my leavings, is it really necessary to gag and retch like a cat working on a hairball? It's a personal fetish that you enjoy at my sufferance. No one makes you collect my droppings, you know. It's not as if there's a law requiring you to pick it up, is there? I mean, honestly.


2. Feeding

Once again, I have resigned myself to enduring the desiccated droppings you call dog food, if only because my lady friends at The Spa insist it is for my health. However, there are some policies regarding supplementary feeding that I wish to review:

--While The Girl enjoys many special privileges, there are some that need not be exclusive to her. For example, house staff should feel perfectly free to join The Girl in feeding me choice samplings of whatever meal happens to be on the table. Roast beef, pork tenderloin and prime rib are particular favorites, as long as we are on the subject.

--During any holiday rituals involving food, I would like to remind staff that, as tasty as chocolate and chocolate-flavored products are, according to the American Veterinary Medical Association, they can be toxic in high doses. While I have enjoyed the egg hunts you have staged for my personal enjoyment late on the night before Easter in years past, in the future you may wish to hide, say, biscuits for me, or perhaps to stage the egg hunt only for the children. I'm afraid that the chocolate made me a little ill, and the colored foil wrappings of each egg, while leading to festive droppings, nevertheless were a source of agitation while in transit. At Christmas, during the ceremonial leaving of cookies and milk for me at the hearth (I assume as an early holiday present), consider leaving sugar or peanut butter cookies, rather than chocolate chip. Also, please remind the children to keep the area clear of all stationery and art supplies. In years past, they have accidentally left notes of personal correspondence to someone name Claus, and I would hate to get crumbs on them.


3. Child care and entertainment

While I am consigned to the fact that an inordinate portion of my day is devoted to daycare, the time would pass much more pleasantly if we can all observe the following rules:

--From this year forward, children are not permitted to wrap anything around my person. This includes toilet paper, plastic wrap, elastic bandages, scarves, support hose, jump ropes, garden hoses, and pasta. Neckerchiefs and baseball caps will be permitted on a case-by-case basis.

--Certain accessories from toy doctor's kits may still be used to perform faux examinations upon my person. These items include blood pressure cuffs (to be used on my forepaws only) and stethoscopes. At this time, I would like to remind all children that toy syringes and thermometers are for external use only. Remember: it is everyone's responsibility to prevent The Shocked Face.


goosey


--I will be glad to reprise my role as The Big Monster or The Bellowsaurus in any play involving action figures and dinosaurs. However, this year a maximum of only 27 figures will be permitted on my person at any single time.

--Battery-powered racetracks will be permitted to operate in all areas of the home. In fact, as you know, I endorse this mode of play, especially when The Good Car is put on the course. Please note: No children or guests of children are permitted to touch The Good Car. It is mine.


100_2260


--This year we will increase the number of times we play Catch The Squeaky Toy from three times a day to at least seven times a day. In the event that this year's Squeaky Toy is reduced to stuffing, use of Auxiliary Squeaky Toys and/or any stuffed animals on the premises is authorized.

--Under no circumstances are items from the Finding Nemo line of toys permitted in my water dish at any time. This restriction also applies to Aquaman figures and the cast of the G.I. Joe Frogman Adventure Set.

--Finally, a note about future child care: As we all know, The Woman is carrying puppies. Until she has her litter, I must be permitted to be near her at all times. This includes following her from room to room, inserting myself between her and any person or persons who may be at the door, and placing my head upon her rounded belly whenever she is prone. The Woman has raised a concern that my presence apparently creates a tripping hazard for her. To this I can only say: Deal with it. If you at such a late stage in your pregnancy that cannot see your feet, we can arrange to have safety mirrors installed around your midriff.


4. Household Security

Upon arrival, all service people, deliverymen, and contractors must present themselves to me for Crotch Inspection. Such personnel are required to use the front door at all times, and to announce themselves each time they come into the house, even if they have just stepped outside to retrieve a part from their vehicle or to cock their leg on a tree.

Note: Personnel are not permitted to be within 20 feet of The Girl at any time. I cannot stress this point highly enough. Last year, a plumbing assistant entered via the back door of the house, without knocking or announcing himself, while the Girl was alone in the family room. He had no one but himself to blame for losing his shoe, nor for ending up perched on a kitchen counter, screaming for help. Once more: I will not tolerate strangers to come into the house unannounced nor to come anywhere near The Girl.

And no, I will not give the shoe back.



I believe that addresses my main barking points. If other issues arise as we move in to the new year, please do not hesitate to bring them to my attention; I shall be glad to include them in a future memo. Until that time, I remain,

Your Humble Servant,

Blazey (BHBBBD)


Comments:
happy new year, blaze. i always enjoy reading your viewpoint regarding the chittering ones in your life. :-D
 
Hey Blaze, hope you have a great 2007. Remember, even if he is annoying at times, the Man always has your best interest at heart.
 
Give 'em hell, Blazey!! And I agree with you - don't give the shoe back.
 
You communicate with your dog better than I do with my mother. Maybe I should send her a memo...
 
Nice job taking care of The Girl, Blaze. And good luck making your staff listen.
 
And that, MM, is what you call range. Well done...I was waiting for any reference to vomit and tootsie wrappers...

wendy...curse blogger!!
 
Awwwww. My Dad always told a story about how when I walked down our dirt road when I was 5 or 6, our dog Princess would constantly walk circles around me. Thanks for the memory!
 
BHBBBD:

The Man collects your droppings, as though they were rare coins or postage stamps? He IS an odd one. Ah, well. Good help is so hard to find these days.
 
My dog never left memos updating me on new rules for the new year. He left plenty of other stuff to find instead. And all new rules were up to me to figure out when he'd suddenly go stubborn on me. Many a lesson was learned when he decided his hearing should go selective.
 
OMG. You should have put a "do not read while chewing or drinking" warning on this one. Classic. :)
 
Dear Mr.B,
I do understand your need for order in the the kingdom, and I applaud your zeal in protecting the girl and the woman. However, I feel that you could have at least given the man an atta boy, for the great lengths he went to extracting you from the clutches of the vile kidnappers! Now, no doubt you were already formulating a plan of escape all by yourself, but you must admit that he did save you from that long walk, as you found your way back home. That and the fact you are still living there after the ass strep fiasco. In closing, I suggest you keep your eye on the man when he is eating what he will call dates, it seems he has been having a few issues regarding fiber himself, perhaps he will share. Happy '07, Pj
 
Note to self: Don't read this blog while in class.

And I wouldn't give the shoe back either.
 
I should have known better than to read this at 5:30am - somehow explaining that Blaze the dog's latest blog post was really funny doesn't make up for waking somebody due to loud bursts of laughter.

Well done Blazey for taking such good care of your household staff! Hope you have a wonderful 2007 :)
 
I thought I should comment. I always come here and have a read, but never comment. I like to here from Blaze as much as the other dude who writes around here too.
 
From tears to laughter in 2 posts. Superb!
 
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