Tuesday, August 21, 2007


Babies and Botox...

I hate leaving the kids in Ohio, but Her Lovely Self and I are promised in New Hampshire. We are bringing the Éclair for moral support (and also because she goes where the milk goes). So here we are in the Detroit airport, waiting to board.

The Éclair is a little fussy, so I sit in a remote section of the terminal--barely in hearing range of the gate. Her Lovely Self goes to find a restroom. I pace the row of seats, jiggling the baby, making faces. This placates her; she actually starts to nod off.

Before I can begin to entertain the hope that she'll sleep through the flight, I'm joined by a tiny woman of late middle years--almost too late, to be honest--who has a cellphone grafted to her ear. She's one of those cellphone users: the kind who believes she needs to speak at a volume that not only clues the rest of the terminal into her conversation--all about her recent adventures with Botox--but also wakes babies.

Having now thoroughly bestirred my child, the woman wraps up her call and departs. HLS returns and our flight is called.

It is the Flight of the Damned...Babies.

There are five babies on the flight (one actually may be an obnoxious 4-year-old who sounds like a baby). All are screaming at one time or another. Except mine. Believe me, if my offspring did something awful, you know I'd tell you, but she is quiet and alert for our transit to Manchester.

That doesn't stop passengers from giving us the stink-eye when we disembark.

And as I step into the terminal, I hear a familiar voice, complaining to another woman, "Ohmigawd, whadda nightmare! Screaming babies everywhere! I couldn't hear myself think!" Then she actually turns and gives MY daughter a sidelong look.

I cannot resist.

"Guess all that Botox hasn't frozen your mouth," I remark.

Nor does it keep her lips from forming a perfect O of shock.



Good for you!
My mouth made the perfect O too when I read that .. then I laughed! Great shot, right in the kisser! lol!
Oh thank you so much for not resisting! Perfect.
hahaha :D Badass!
Bravo. I suffer from l'esprit de l'escalier--my comebacks always come to mind too late. You, MM, don't ever seem to suffer from that problem...one of about a thousand things that makes your blog so compulsively readable...
God damn that was awesome!
Good for you!
We are not worthy. Perfect!
I think I love you.
That's pure Grade-A awesome.

I am actually agog at the high levels of awesomeness.

Well done, sir.
Anyone who travels with an infant in tow should be admired, not looked at with scorn. I got involved with one situation recently where a family was traveling with a sick baby to take her somewhere for surgery, and the TSA had confiscated their Pedialyte. Since nobody sells Pedialyte at the airport, we had to have paramedics meet their plane to get them some. Glad you got to NH ok in spite of Ms. Botox.
Damn, MM! Your rock the come-backs. Evil woman deserved that retort. Enjoy your trip.
Awesome. Beautiful.

You were in my hometown airport, and I can say you were layig it out like a Detroiter!
Manchester is *my* hometown airport. Though I live in MA about an hour away.

I once flew nonstop Boston to LA(same flight number that later was one of the 9/11 planes)

Anyway, it was about 6 hours and there were 4 infants/toddlers(all boys, oddly enough) about 3 rows in front of us.

There was *no* crying. One kid behaved nicely as long as he was allowed to wander about and visit other passengers. This fine with me, though some were annoyed. I barely even saw the others.

And since cel phones were not yet common, it was a pleasant flight. The pilot even did a few turns over the Grand Canyon when the flight attendant learned we'd never seen it before.

Go Eclair!
I so wish I could stand up to people who are so obvious in their rudeness. I hope you felt all of us standing behind you giving you the old "you go boy" as you made your comment!

Oh, and if the kids are in Ohio, I'd be happy to swing by and make sure the in laws are treating them well. :)

Best of luck in whatever business has brought you to the East coast. I hope it goes smoothly.
Wow, just WOW.

You know, I hate screaming babies as much as the next barren woman - but come on - some things you just don't say when you have a large mouth and are in earshot of a parent.

Glad you're back, MM.
If Botox *could* freeze a mouth like that, it'd be tempting to carry around a full syringe for emergencies. Good for you for letting her know she was acting like an ass.
LOL! No way!!
I didn't think it was spossible, but this makes me love you more - brilliant!!
Oh, I wish I could think faster on my feet and fling these at the jerks I encounter. Good one!
MM, You're my hero. <3 I wish I had those kind of zingers on the fly when people are acting foolishly.
nothing is as satisfying as getting in a really good last word. way to go!

Glad to have you back, so we can enjoy your stinging wit.

We missed you.
HAHAHA NICE!! I'm so glad you said that! I have two very close friends who've got babies and they get so stressed out while traveling because people are so impatient and intolerant - especially on planes.

Glad there are people who will stand up for themselves against such obnoxious morons. Bravo!
Woo hoo! WTG! *virtual high 5*
Oh damn straight..!!

GORGEOUS response!!! ;)
Perfect Bitchslap if there ever was one! I bow to your awesome quickwittedness. It would have taken me two days two come up with that one.

I kept thinking of Bill Cosby's Jeffrey: "Little Jeffrey. I remember his name, not because he said, "I'm four years old," but because Jeffrey's mother said his name all 2500 miles of the trip."
My name is Diana Lee and i would like to show you my personal experience with Botox.

I have suffered with migraines and neck pain for many years. Botox has given me my life back. I have arthritis in my neck and Botox is the ONLY thing that has given me relief.

Side Effects-
None…miracle drug

I hope this information will be useful to others,
Diana Lee
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