Thursday, April 23, 2009


In Which We Count to 15...

This morning, the morning of our 15th wedding anniversary--the Crystal Anniversary, if I'm not mistaken--my wife announced that she'd had a wedding dream.

"Oh, wow. What are the odds?" I said.

"Yeah, I was getting ready to marry my old boyfriend."

This wasn't the dream-wedding scenario I'd had in mind. "Oh. Where was I?"

Her Lovely Self just waved her hand and made a Pff! noise with those perfect lips of hers. "No idea. You were just gone. Outta the picture."

"Oh. Well, that's a nice way to start your anniversary," I said.

"Stop it. I can't control my dreams. It was just a dream. It's not like he e-mails me. Not like all your old girlfriends."

Well, this was a fair point. Over the past 15 years, I must confess that I have received electronic mail from at least four--no, it's five--women who at one time or another qualified as being, howsoever briefly, girlfriends (for our purposes here, a "girlfriend" is any female I’ve had amorous contact with at any point along the American Male Baseball-Field Scale of Sexual Conquest. Which, if you really must know, involved me spending a lot of time between first and second, and, alas, setting a league record for the number of times I fouled out along the first-baseline).

"Yeah," I finally said. "But they're not emailing me to get married, you know."

"Well, how do I know?" she said, baiting me.

"Because you read all my e-mails," I countered.

That got her. "Oh. And how do you know that?"

"Because I know you. Just like I know them," I said. I meant that I'd always started out as friends with every girl I'd ever dated, and friendship is weirdly durable, often able to survive even the worsts of events, including break-ups, and so it was only natural that I might get some e-mails, not from old girlfriends, but from old friends. But based on The Look my wife gave me, that wasn't what she heard. So I hastened quickly to add a clarifier, which was a mistake. "Well, obviously, I know you QUITE a lot better than I know them," I sputtered on. "And of course I don't KNOW know them the way I know you. Like, you know, Biblically, or anything. At least not anymore. I mean—"

Truly, no one digs himself into a hole faster than me.

Thankfully, one of us had some crystal clarity for her 15th anniversary today, and she let me off the hook. In a moment, things degenerated pretty quickly into one of those not-quite arguments that's just so ridiculous you have to laugh.

At least, I think it was.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go spend the rest of my anniversary with the woman of my dreams.

From Somewhere on the Masthead

happy anniversary! i'm happy to hear you mention hls as hls - you haven't lately.
Congrats! But I'll give you a run for your money on that hole-digging thing.
Oh, I heart you! You married a great woman! :)
Happy Anniversary.
I aim to have atleast 80 of these with my love as well.
Congratulations on the one-five!

One anniversary my wife asked me, "John, what would you do if I died?"

"Bury you," I said.

That was probably a big enough hole for both of us to be buried in. :-)
Wow, it seems like everything big in your life happens during this time of the year. Yours and the Brownie's (and Thomas's???) birthdays are coming up pretty soon too aren't they?

Congrats on 15 HLS and MM. Lots more to ya.
Happy Anniversary and .... touche!
Happy Anniversary to you and Her Lovely Self.....My husband and I share your anniversary..same day same year!
Happy anniversary. Good to see you are matched wit for wit with HLS.
Many, many more happy days for you two.
Too funny :D Happy anniversary :)
Hope you and HLS have a very happy anniversary! Celebrate those 15 years, big time -knowing the percentage of couples who reach this anniversary event seems to be dwindling, faster and faster, each year! I know I barely survived half that number when I was married.
Happiest of anniversaries to you and HLS, MM. Many more!
Hope you have a great, crystal-clear anniversary, MM!
Happy Anniversary to both of you!

TW and I are working towards #23.

My, how times flies!


Thim :)
Congratulations! Now, if HLS is at a loss for a gift for you, might I suggest shovel-shaped cuff links? Every man I know should have a pair of those babies!!!
Jewelry. Always. Fixes. Everything.

The higher the anniversary, the more the carrots. (Feel free to fill in SCREW-UPS for Anniversary)

Happy Anniversary Dude.
Happy Anniversary!
Congratulations to you and HLS! I wish you two lifetimes of joy.
Happy anniversary, MM!
A bit late but congratulations to you and Her Lovely Self. I hope the both of you had a wonderful day.
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